Not all that glitters is gold

Last night, I went to a party and met several people I never would have met if I didn't study in a prestigious university.

They were actresses, not very famous but recognizable enough, mingling with the crowd I was in. They weren't treated as stars however. They were there as normal people. It was disheartening to see these normal people smoking cigarettes. They were not committing a crime unless they were under-aged but I hold a grudge against that stick anyway. It is addictive and it kills.

I realized how fickle media can be. In the television, I just see a mask that they want me to see. I don't really know those people.

Lines: Heart

Curve.
a sharp turn.
curve.
line.
no, a segment.
a harsh turn.
Whole.
a line gnashing its way through.
jagged as glass.
bleeding as a wound.

Titles

These are some of the things I just pondered upon now.

What I do best: Working at the sidelines.
The Library is my dream house.
Gentlemen: Where are you now?
Why I'm keeping my email ad and my password even though they remind me of my ex.
I'd rather write a book in first-person point of view.
My first time with the photocopying machine.
I'm good at lying.
Lying is a mechanism I've developed because I'm a very private person.
Falling in Love and lying about it.

Love Affairs: My Latest Escapade

Not really. He's one of those people who loves the same thing I dearly love: Music.

He's a musician. He plays the piano and an occasional guitar. He sings. He's tenor who can be a soprano if only you'd trust my judgment.

Honestly, he sings really well - almost at par with my Papa, who can sing his way through a kundiman without a flinch.

Yet, that shouldn't be in question because we are members of the same choir. Aside from the choir, we get to interact a bit more than other acquaintances normally would because we're taking up the same course. Thus, we suffer almost the same hardships in terms of academics. :)

Because of these two commonalities, I get to see him a lot. That's where the problem comes in, or rather, the love affair.

I've learned to love him. I don't know if it can be called romantic but it's something more than my usual brotherly love for my Kisa, LB and Twin.

It all started when we decided to sing this duet just for the sake of singing and we actually sounded good together. After that,we began to hang out more often. We would practice for a gig in a cafe or in the party of a friend. In the process, I got to know him and I realized just how much fun I have when I'm with him.

He was by no means as funny as LB. He was not even like Kisa. Not a bit. He's more of LB, only taller. Of course, he's far from my Twin. And in case you're wondering, he's so different from my one and only old flame.

That's why i couldn't figure out why I'm writing a "love affair" column for this guy. Maybe, it's because he brings out the motherly instincts in me. He's like a younger brother who has to be protected and listened to.

Yet, this only affirms why I'm writing about him. I love him. I care for him. And i don't want him to get hurt... by me.

Love Affairs: My Twin

He's the only one I didn't hide in a codename.

My twin. We only have one commonality, actually, like most twins: our birthdays.

We don't have the same set of parents though. We're not biological twins as he would put it. We were psychological twins.

I don't really know how this all started. All I remember now is that Twin was a bit of an introvert like me. He didn't like talking with other people. Yet, we were comfortable with each other.

He shared to me his problems and I shared mine. I even tell him secrets that I don't tell other people. We also learned about the personalities of each other as the years went by. I know that he can get so pessimistic sometimes. He knows that I can be a martyr sometimes. Yet, it doesn't really bother us knowing who the other person truly is. It just strengthened our bond as twins.

We talk like we're real siblings. We even wonder how that's possible. Yet, it really is. We're not just friends. We are brother and sister for each other.

Love Affairs: My LB

LB: Little Brother.
He was literally little- a few inches shorter than me. But his big heart and big brain more than compensated for it.

He was the friend that I almost missed. In our four years of secondary education, it was only in fourth year that we really got to know each other and became friends.

He was my seatmate for one quarter. That one quarter was hilarious. I don't know if I've learned much from the teachers but I knew I learned a lot from LB.

At that time, I was more of the achiever. He was more of the easy-going student- not minding the grades but he was minding the lessons learned. He wanted to learn. He was an eager learner, a bright student, an excellent writer, a hilarious joker, a sweet friend all rolled into one. He was one person I'll never get tired of although he would often ask food during recess time or entertain me with his silly but true stories.

For that one quarter, I learned about the life of LB. It was quite colorful. I didn't know that this seemingly quiet (but fun blabbermouth in reality) had a lot going on in his mind and in his past.

What was more fascinating was he was willing to share those with me. He shared his thoughts, his feelings, (sometimes his anger or annoyance), his clever theories of conspiracy, his marvelous poems with his seatmate whom he hadn't known for a very long time. I'm actually wondering now how he easily trusted me. It's probably because I almost had the aura of a mother (or an older sister). I was one who would be willing to pause and listen to him.

Yet, I'm really glad he trusted me even for a short time. He was one person I'll never forget. Everything he has shared with me is still here ... in my mind and in my heart.

Love Affairs : My KISA

KISA: Knight in Shining Armor.

Kisa was one of the first boy friends I had. He was fascinating in a weird way because he loved to mimic this superhero character.

That was why he carried it upon himself to protect me. Haha. He was my very own superhero. He was actually protecting me from this other guy who he said was "dangerous". Not really. It's just that this guy liked me but Kisa believed that the other guy was up to no good. (Note: We were high school students by this time.)

He was also my very own big brother. One time, it rained so hard that I got stranded in one building. Upon seeing me, he crossed the grounds not minding the rain. He asked me why I was left alone there and i couldn't remember why. He helped me. That's all I can remember.

Kisa was always by my side, now that I think of it. When I went to a foreign city, he was there to guide me me and teach me how to be street-smart. To cheer me up, he would invite me to got to movies with his older sister.

I miss those days. We barely talk now. I wonder if he's still my Kisa. Yet, all of the time he dedicated to protect me was more than enough. I'm very grateful to my big brother and knight in shining armor.

Love Affairs

Every person in this world loved and was loved somewhere in the continuum of time and space.

Me included. The greatest love I have is the love of my God. There's my love for my family and their love for me. There's also my love for nature. I love it so much, I'd rather watch the sun set than watch TV. I also love music. It's one of the few things which sits so near to my heart, I can't even separate it from myself.
And of course, I've had my share of romantic love. However, contrary to the title, I've only dated one guy so far. Nah. We weren't even dating. We were friends and the friendship eventually grew into a short-lived romance. I had my heart broken and that was good experience. It made me tougher.

But not tough enough to shun other sources of love.

I continued to love and be loved.
What I find fascinating is my attachment to these certain guys who I've loved so much that I couldn't forget about them. I pray for their well-being and I often hoped they were happy with their lives even if I was no longer there.

I guess I was not that important to them as they were to me because I know they've move on with their lives now that we have parted ways. They are what most people would call their "crushes" but I'd prefer not calling them that way because they were not just beautiful faces meant to be admired.

They were my friends- my loved ones.

Screwed

I screwed the last few years of my life. And I'm still screwing it up until now.

How I wish I could turn back time and correct the mistakes I've done and am still doing.

How I wish I could heal the wounds I've caused for the people I've loved and hurt in the process.

I can't do anything about that now.

People can say a lot of bad things about me because, indeed, I've been really bad.

I can't ask them to forget about the past but I've decided to do better. It would be quite a feat.

How can I change myself and be a better person when I'm so afraid to open up to anyone? I can't even face myself in the mirror and look myself in the eyes. I seriously am having issues here.
I'm trying to fix these though. I don't plan on being like this for a long time. I've already screwed up five years of my life.

I have to find my pieces and repair myself. Rather, I have to let go of my old self and be a new one- someone who will stand for what she believes in. I want to be someone who can be contented even if I can't please the world. I'm so tired of pleasing the world, of doing what it wants me to do.

I want to do what I'm destined to do. And I have this gut feeling that the little intelligence and talents that I have will contribute to my mission in this world.

Bizarre Love

Here I go again getting all cynical about a relationship thinking to myself that it won't work. How can it work when it's an impossible love affair, or is it?

I recently discovered that a gay acquaintance has a May-December love affair with this another guy. I was saying to myself, " They'd eventually break up. That younger guy's just using the other one for money." It's bad thinking really, influenced by the stereotypes I grew up with "the gay benefactor in love with a younger man."

Yet, I was moved by their love story. They've been together for two years. I can't help thinking that everything would probably go well for them if not for the fact that they're both males.

It's tragic that I have this kind of thinking. Both deserve to be happy, and I, as an observer, have no right to judge their relationship just because they don't conform to my idea of a couple, just because they don't conform to what the society dictates to be right.

It's an eye opener, really. What I think to be a bizarre love affair may just be any other love affair if only I don't mind my prejudices and just look at the situation as it is.

The Walking Sleeper

This must be how it feels.
I don't know why but for the past few days, my brain's just like soup. I couldn't think straight. Nah. I couldn't think.
I don't even know if I'm in a state of fatigue after the first two days of class. It's tiring. Yet, I'm wondering why I always feel so tired. I can't even consider myself an adult yet I feel like a grandma.
For the past days, I woke up, took a shower and went to class but everything seemed to just pass in front of me. I feel that this whole reality 's so surreal it's not even reality.
This must be the reason why my eyes feel bad.
I sleep late and wake up at about 6 in the morning. (must be the reason for the tiredness I'm feeling now)
I also miss home. I've always been away. Now, I want to go back home.

Broken-Hearted

When you get so brokenhearted because the break-up is still so fresh in your head that you could even role-play it if you want to and it keeps rewinding in your mind, do you get so melancholic that you listen to "emo" songs that sound so cheesy? (but you can't do anything because they capture the moment!)
I was searching for those songs in Youtube and found out that I 'm not the only emo person who got her heart broken. (Of course not.)

There were the endless comments dedicating those songs to their (ex) love ones, or those "nagpapatama" comments. There would be those "I can almost imagine this guy/girl slashing his/her wrists" comments. haha. I know it's bad to laugh at someone else' misery but what I find funny is that these people who get so devastated by love would eventually move on. (and maybe get their hearts broken again.)

This irony has inspired me to write this post about songs for brokenhearted people or for people saying goodbye to love because eventually they'd move on to the next parts of this trilogy- which are Letting go and Moving on.

Eventually, the tears will fade away and the sun will come out tomorrow. So cheer up and enjoy the list for now.

Where do broken Hearts go

How do you heal a broken heart

Time can't heal a broken heart in me

I Can't Find the Words to say Goodbye

Someone's always saying goodbye

I Don't Want to be your Friend

I've been looking for nice songs to listen to while I'm doing my paper and I came across Nina's version of "I don't wanna be your friend" (originally by cindy lauper).

I realized that I've been doing what I'm fond of doing: listening to and analyzing songs. I found out that my primary motivation in playing that song was probably the repressed feelings of hate and anger towards my past boyfriend. haha.

Although that would not be quite true because I'm not really angry with him. I just don't want the part where we have to remain friends. Being the slightly masochistic and ever-sacrificial girl that I am, I agreed with that. He broke up with me and asked me that we remain friends. So much for getting over.

But really I'm good as fully recovered. I'm fine as long as I don't know what's going on with his life. I'm fine as long as I don't know that there's another girl. I'm still fine even if he introduced me with her. It's just... awkward. I guess that goes with the "being friends" package.

I could keep on ranting about not wanting to be his friend but until I don't bring myself to tell that to him, I'd end up the friend that I was and will always be.

Here's the lyrics by the way from http://www.lyricsdownload.com/nina-i-don-t-wanna-be-your-friend-lyrics.html : (the italicized parts are the ones going on inside my head.)

I Don't Want To Be Your Friend
nina

I don't wanna see your face
I don't wanna hear your name
I don't wanna thing
Just stay away baby
Don't wanna know if you're alright
Or what you're doin' with your life
Don't wanna hear you say you'll just stay in touch baby
I'll get by just fine
And if you're goin' then darlin'
Goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't wanna be your friend

I'll forget we ever met
I'll forget I ever let
Ever let you into this heart of mine baby
You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
'Cause all I want is just to be free from you baby
Don't you come around
And say you still care about me
Just go now, go now

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't wanna be your friend

You take it casually, baby it's killing me
Goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
No baby
Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
I'm not over you yet
And I don't want to be your friend
I don't want to be your friend

Don't call me
Don't come around
And I don't wanna be your friend

seriously.

Alter Egoistic Part 1

I just found out some trivial stuff about myself.

I hate spam emails so much that every time i see a new one in my inbox, I can't help but scream "Putik!" (that's a derivative for a colloquial bad word.) inside my head. Don't get me wrong. It's just that who's stupid enough to give personal information including his/her bank accounts to total strangers?

I also found out that I easily get annoyed by those couples who can't keep their physical affections for each other in private. There's nothing wrong with holding hands or even a kiss on the cheek. There's nothing wrong with being indifferent from the world around you. It's just that I want to puke when they're making out and you're there, left with no choice but to sit beside them in a crowded jeepney. It's a jeepney! It's meant for "public transportation", not "public display of affection".

Who cares about these things anyway? They are just products of a mind that will eventually disappear given enough time.
So much for being "emo". After all, it's the reason why I write- to make these ideas tangible enough to be read and be thought upon.